My Journey

Love . . .

2010-09-28T21:49:00.000-07:00

I am in love.

I'm applying to law school.

The Twins are three and love pre-school.

I am overwhelmed and exhausted.

I have five REALLY ripe bananas that I don't know what to do with. Kind of tired of banana bread.

2010-02-13T23:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog,

I have not forgotten you, and the journey continues. I will be back soon to share.

Love,

Kim

Spokane

2009-08-03T23:36:00.001-07:00

Sometimes my heart aches and I am tricked into looking back. Tonight I am missing my life in Spokane. If I close my eyes I can almost be back at the kitchen table sewing the bed skirts for the Twins. I can see K downstairs watching basketball with the pugs, and hear the neighbor boy mowing the lawn. I can feel K kissing me goodbye as he heads to work. I can see my gym and enjoy the invigoration of my workouts and especially the results of my hard work. There are a lot of memories that were made during our time in WA. I can still remember how it felt to drive to my doctor appointments and ultrasounds, and the appreciation and pride I had in a husband who was so supportive to join me at each appointment. There were difficult times in Spokane. The WA miscarriage seems so long ago. With the kids here, those worries seem more than distant. I miss the amazing people of the Inland Northwest. I made some great friends who truly took care of me, especially when the babies made their surprise arrival three months early. I feel like a completely different person now. The Spokane me had lots of energy and accomplished a lot in a day. I looked forward to just hanging out with my husband, with laughing and sharing everything that had gone on during the day. I loved hearing about his daily to-do's. I loved scrapbooking our life and scrapbooking for others. Tonight I miss all of these things, but as the squeak of baby girl's bed snaps me back to reality, I am reminded of the two greatest blessings I have in my life right now, and how much I look forward to kissing those faces in the morning. Goodnight Spokane.

Kissing on the Plaza . . .

2009-07-20T00:09:00.001-07:00

Many of you have probably heard about the controversy over the homosexual couple making out/kissing/embracing or whatever they did on the Main Street Plaza, as well as the protesters who have decided to kiss on or near the LDS Temple grounds. Today in the Salt Lake Tribune there is an article reporting on the most recent "kiss-in." Apparently there was not too much trouble to note between protesters and counter-protesters, unless you consider the following an issue . . .

Police arrived after reports of two slight altercations between protesters and counter-protesters, including a roll-by kiss given to one female counter-protester by a man wearing in-line skates who sped north across the plaza grounds and was too fast to be apprehended.

I considered this excerpt to be the cherry on top of a great Sabbath Day! Thank you, "man wearing in-line skates!"

2009-07-07T13:15:00.001-07:00

“A person is not given integrity. It results from the relentless pursuit of honesty at

all times.”

—Unknown

2009-07-07T00:29:00.000-07:00

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

Mosiah 24:14

All I have accomplished today . . .

2009-06-25T20:30:00.001-07:00

1. Showered baby girl down and washed poop off of her hands.

2. Got baby girl and baby boy dressed.

3. Found baby girl on chair digging into yummy pumpkin bread. Eating two fistfuls and saying, "Mmm . . . cake!"

4. Fed twins pumpkin bread "cake" for breakfast.

5. Cleaned poop off of wall, crib, and washed bedding.

6. Cleaned pumpkin bread off of kitchen table and two children.

All by 10:00 a.m. the rest of the day is kind of a blur.

Too tired to commit to a clever title . . .

2009-06-04T23:48:00.000-07:00

Isn't summer amazing? I love the warm weather, and have been treasuring the cool desert nights that will soon become warm enough to force the use of the a/c. The kids and I have been able to spend lots of time playing outside and enjoying the freedom that the warm weather brings to stay at home parents. I just know these summer months will go by faster than I want, which is strange. I want time to pass quickly so that I can continue to work through my grief, but I want it to stand still so that I can take in every aspect of my amazing kids. I have been experiencing feelings of grief and sadness again over the last few weeks, again, unexpectedly. I don't always understand what triggers the feelings of sadness and longing for my pretend life. I feel that at my core I am happy and enjoy most everything about my life, but I have not gotten past the feeling that we are missing an important part of our family. I know that some of this sounds contradictory and doesn't make sense to me either. I have a lot of questions for God when the time comes and really look forward to a better understanding of this life. I am so impatient and have to remind myself that faith is where it's at right now.

Been a long time . . .

2009-05-05T00:10:00.000-07:00

It has been way too long, and I realize how much my writing seems to help me when I haven't written in a while. There have been many nights where I have had a lot to say, but felt too tired to share, or just kind of avoided it. I have had an emotionally challenging month or so.

March kicked off a season of many reminders and memories for me. On March 16 of last year was the day that K was yanked out of the closet, as I so eloquently mentioned in my last post. March 17 is my Dad's birthday, and on his birthday last year he received a phone call from me to wish him a happy birthday and let him know that my husband is gay. March 21 would have marked our 11th anniversary, On April 10, 2008 I discovered the most devastating chapter in my autobiography (thus far), the affair. The next day I met the "other man." On the morning of April 12 I packed my kids and our immediate necessities in the car and drove to the DEN airport where I picked up my Dad. The four of us continued to Salt Lake City to our new home and life. Our belongings arrived shortly after and we settled in. April 20 was my birthday, and for some reason this was the most difficult day of all. I made it through the anniversaries with little to no tears. Maybe I let the emotions build up until I needed the mandatory and slightly unexpected breakdown. My birthday started off great . . . I worked on our garden boxes with my dad and enjoyed the good weather. That afternoon I had an unannounced visit from K's mom (her husband waited in the car) with a birthday gift. This began the steady decline into yuck. I can't think of a better description right now other than feeling "yuck." I should have been excited and appreciative of a kind gesture, but I'm just not. Our relationship is strained at best right now. We have very different ideas on parenting, what is right and wrong, and most importantly the role and safety of children. I have been referred to as crazy, gamey, over-reacting, psycho, etc. and quite honestly these are the things that come to mind when I see them again. Anyway, from that point on I should have had a great day. I had great take-out with my parents and even a pleasant visit from K and his partner, who brought a nice gift and card. Even still my heart felt heavy and I felt alone. You know the kind of alone that people talk about . . . being alone in a crowded room? That was the kind of alone I felt that day, and have been feeling off and on since then. I have plenty of great people around me and I am busy with school and the twins, but I feel that there is sort of this underlying loneliness right now. I am hoping once my finals are over with I can pull out of this minor funk, and really it is pretty minor and I every once in a while I have these surges of self confidence and even excitement for the fact that I am single and there is fun to be had, but I am still aware that my wounds have not fully healed, and if I don't take care of them when I need to they tend to split a bit. I am continually taken back by the small things that trigger emotion or vivid memories. A couple of weeks ago K and S went down to St. George. The first visit for S, who was so excited to see the Polygamists. We laughed and talked about them going, and then the realization that they would be following the same itinerary we did on our honeymoon came. Things like that cause me to feel like I have tripped over a little nugget of reality, and I feel sad again. Not so much resentful anymore, just a bit sad . . . Anyway, aside from my internal grieving and whatnot, my relationship with K and S seems to be improving more and more with time. I have a lot to be grateful for, and right now I am most grateful that we are working together to raise healthy and happy children, and I mean all three of us are working on this. In fact, so are each of my family members and friends. I have a great support system, and so do my children! There is nothing like a functioning dysfunctional family, right?

And finally . . . we should all be grateful that we don't have real problems like Madonna . . .

(CNN) -- Pop star Madonna suffered minor injuries Saturday when she was thrown off a horse after it was startled by photographers, her record label said.

Madonna is due to begin a European tour on July 4.

The photographers jumped out of the bushes to snap pictures of the 50-year-old singer while she was visiting friends in Bridgehampton, New York, said Liz Rosenberg of Warner Brothers Records.

She suffered minor injuries and bruises and doctors will continue to monitor her, Rosenberg said in a statement.

In 2005, Madonna broke three ribs, a hand and a collarbone after she slipped from a saddle during her 47th birthday celebrations.

The singer begins a European summer tour that kicks off in London on July 4.

The Anniversaries begin . . .

2009-03-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

One year ago today I found out my husband is gay!

I love that it rhymes . . . makes it seem that much more ridiculous!

The Gospel Music Channel & my Hairstylist!

2009-02-26T13:27:00.000-08:00

So, there is a Gospel Music Channel. I am sitting here enjoying the Karate Kid Part II, it goes to commercial and there it is, "You are watching the Karate Kid Part II on the Gospel Music Channel." Who knew? For some reason I can't stop giggling about it. I like to think of it as a sign that I should probably get off of my rear and go clean out my car, which I am pretty sure smells like McDonald's garbage cans.

And . . . .

The best hairstylist out of Denver, CO has just starting booking clients here in SLC!!! He is a color genius and does a truly amazing job with cuts. He has this great talent of knowing what will look good with your face shape and skin tone. (He saved me from a potential gothic mess.) Needless to say, I have yet to have a better cut/color, although I do adore my sweet Karen in Spokane. You can call and schedule with him now. He is at Shear Excellence on 1516 South 1500 East in SLC, 84105. The phone number is 801.484.5101. I know this is a little tacky for a blog (and I think it is the 2nd time I have done it, which tells you all a lot!), but he really is great. You won't be disappointed. Oh, his name is Shane Perryman.

I know, I'm a total fence sitter . . .

2009-02-21T18:32:00.000-08:00

I have decided that you can support equal rights for homosexuals (and all humans for that matter), even if you don't agree with that lifestyle. I believe that the two can be separate.

Realizations . . .

2009-02-19T23:11:00.000-08:00

Here are some of my realizations for the week . . .

1. I have a great life!

2. I am much better off without a husband than with a husband who puts his own wants and needs first, and who does not like or love me.

3. I am growing into my new life and finding that I enjoy most days.

4. I may always be disgusted and completely disappointed in K's choices, and that is okay.

5. By the end of the semester I think I might enjoy spinning.

6. I am strong in many ways, and weak in many ways.

7. There are not enough hours in the day.

8. I am pretty sure I don't understand Cognitive Psychology at this point, and most of it is not interesting to me.

9. It will be a really long time before I am able to trust most people, and I will not likely ever fully trust my ex . . . and again that is okay.

10. My kids are the most amazing children EVER!

11. When E says something resembling "suck it" she really means sandwich.

12. I have so much to learn.

13. Costco is superior to Sams Club.

14. Having friends and family to laugh with is something to be cherished.

15. Making my kids laugh is golden.

16. Having twins is bananas!

17. Dr. Seuss was a genius.

18. Senator Buttars is a moron.

19. Having a chimpanzee as a pet is a bad idea. A tiger, lion, elephant, ape, alligator, crocodile, and giraffe are also poor pet choices.

A little prickly and fired up tonight . . .

2009-02-09T21:39:00.000-08:00

Tonight's grief comes in the form of anger . . . again. Do you just have days when you feel agitated and prickly? I have been irritated off and on the last couple of days, and it has no correlation with anything hormonal. (That always makes me feel a little more validated.) I'm sure it has a lot to do with tax season. I have had an amazing friend from years ago step up and offer to help us with our taxes, which I am still in awe about and so appreciative. I just hate dealing with K on much of anything. Our dealings with the kids have been just fine, which is really the most important thing. However, I am finding myself in some of the same roles I was playing as his wife. Taking care of coordinating taxes is the most recent of issues. I am partially irritated at myself, but after taxes are complete that is one more thing to check off of my list. One step closer to reality and away from the pretend life. I continue to forget that what is important to me (i.e. taxes and not taking for granted an amazing offer, my time and life, etc.) is not even on his radar. I have got to get to a point where I am not setting myself up to be disappointed and irritated. Uggh. Can I also say that I am so sick of hearing about Prop 8? I am absolutely in favor of equal rights. How can that be denied to anyone? I received the following email today . . .

Hi Friends ,

I am passing this on from a dear friend of mine. Have you heard that Ken Starr -- and the Prop 8 Legal Defense Fund -- filed legal briefs defending the constitutionality of Prop 8 and attempting to forcibly divorce 18,000 same-sex couples that were married in California last year? The Supreme Court will hear oral arguments in this case on March 5, 2009, with a decision expected within the next 90 days.

The Courage Campaign has created a video called "Fidelity," with the permission of musician Regina Spektor, that puts a face to those 18,000 couples and all loving, committed couples seeking full equality under the law.

Please watch this video:

http://www.couragecampaign.org/Divorce

After you watch the video, please consider joining me in signing the letter to the state Supreme Court and passing this video on to your friends. The more people who see this video, the more people will understand the pain caused by Prop 8 and Ken Starr's shameful legal proceeding.

Thanks.

Carle

For some reason I felt a bit irritated by this piece of propaganda. I was prepared to feel touched by the video, but I just wasn't feeling the love today. I received the email from K's partner. We exchange emails and different info about Prop 8 and equal rights every so often, but today I guess I wasn't in the mood. Carol Lynn Pearson writes in her book, No More Goodbyes, about Prop 22 (The Protection of Marriage Proposition in California) and being approached by a person from her LDS ward. He asks her of her feelings regarding the proposition. This was her response:

"Well." I put down my two gallons of low-fat milk on the pavement. "My feelings." I took a moment to breathe a time or two and watch a squirrel dart by. "This is the deal, Brother Sutton." I looked at him evenly. "Marriage. It's not that the Brethren don't want gay men to get married. It's just that they want them to marry me. And they want them to marry my daughter. And that's not okay with me. It should not be okay with any of us. I know you're just doing your job here, but tonight as you go to bed I would like you to lie there for a while and think-would you like one of your daughters to marry one of our sweet, young, gay men, fresh off his mission and anxious to do the 'right' thing?"

She goes on to explain that she did not vote for Prop 22 because it did not protect her marriage or the marriage of her daughter (both whom married gay men). This is what I thought of today when I saw the video. Just as CLP explained, Prop 8 and the fact that gay marriage is not legal here in Utah did not protect my marriage, and I really do not believe that allowing gay marriage would have protected my marriage either. CLP goes on to write, "We as Mormons are very big on appearances. We avoid the very appearance of evil. And sometimes we make do with the very appearance of joy. The too-frequent marriages of one from the house of Heterosexual to one from the house of Gay are among those "appearances."

I know that the leaders of my church do not want marriages to fail and do not believe that a heterosexual marriage will take away the issues of homosexuality, but I don't think that this has trickled down to everyone. Dallin H. Oaks said, "We are not going to stand still to put at risk daughters of God who would enter in to such marriages under false pretenses or under a cloud unknown to them. Persons who have this kind of challenge that they cannot control could not enter marriage in good faith." I need to be clear, again, that I am for equal rights. If I had the opportunity to vote I would vote in favor of gay marriage. However, I sustain and believe in the Prophet of my church. I don't believe that the LDS church will ever recognize homosexual partners as eternal companions, and I am able to make some sense of this, according to our beliefs an the doctrine of the church. It saddens me, though, that K and many, many others were raised to believe that the only way for them to be okay was to stuff these homosexual feelings and pretend to be "normal." So, I guess I believe there is some responsibility on the LDS culture, and other religious cultures as to the devastating destruction of the family due to homosexuality. BUT, the ultimate responsibility lies in the choices that were/are made by K. The moment he realized that homosexuality was not something he wanted to try and contain, and that this wasn't the life for him, I should have been let it on it. I can think of so many opportunities . . . two of which would have been after both miscarriages we suffered through. The first nearly taking my life. My frustration with the video today stems from fear, I guess. I do not want my children to have to deal with this, plain and simple. I know they will be stronger people and hopefully understanding and loving of all people, but as their mother I don't want them in videos or having to try to understand something that I don't understand. I am frustrated that there seems to be no responsibility for the choices made by this man who basically used me as a pawn to create a sense of normalcy and hide who he truly was. I am grateful that it finally came out and I am here today instead of last year heading into the depths of hell, but when I am dealing with the emotional turmoil that was created for me it would be nice to have some of the focus put on the families that are being torn apart. What can be done to help prevent this? If it is making gay marriage legal, than I am all in, but I don't believe in my heart that this is going to solve all of the social problems associated with closet homosexuals. With homosexuals not accepting and being okay with who they are we are finding ourselves married to them and having their children. My heart absolutely breaks if I think about the internal struggles that K has had to deal with. We all have to make choices and we all get to own the consequences of those choices both good and bad. As I mentioned above, I partially blame the people of my religion for K's choices to get married and have a family, but I do not think it is right for the church to be the scapegoat on this. The bottom line is K continually made choices over the course of my 15 year history with him. All it would have taken was one extremely selfless choice to be honest. The choices that were made over the last 6 or more years are the choices that have had the most devastating effect on me and will on our children. So for me to hear K called brave and a hero makes me sick to my stomach. Yes, it took courage to finally say the words, but those words were only said because the groundwork for a new life and relationship were already in the works. Courage would have consisted of full honesty from the get go, or before it led to a hurtful affair and continual selfish behavior. Let's try and come up with an answer for this one, huh?

Ahh, I feel a bit better. Don't even know if any of this makes sense, but I feel a bit better.

Pearson, Carol Lynn. No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons around Our Gay Loved Ones. Five Point Books. Walnut Creek, CA. 2007. ISBN 0-9638852-4-3

Spinning . . .

2009-02-04T20:29:00.000-08:00

I had my spinning class today, and the minute I allowed my weight to rest on the bike seat I thought I was going to make that horrible gasping type, high pitched screech that only comes from the most horrible of wounds. I do believe my undercarriage is bruised. You will be happy to know that I made it through the class, not gracefully, but I completed it. I am proud, as I am constantly talking myself out of climbing off of my bike and waddling out. Thus far I have resisted the urge. Thank goodness for shame, right?

I found this hilarious blog post through googling 'spinning.' I nearly wet my pants . . .

http://mamalikes.blogspot.com/2008/12/if-you-come-to-my-spinning-class-please.html

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2008

If you come to my spinning class, please don't
1. Gyrate
2. Sing
3. Make me look at the crack of your ass
4. Fart more than once

OK, before I go off on a rant here, let me just say this first. If you are overweight, out of shape, uncoordinated or just plain goofy and I see you at my gym I will never EVER make fun of you. But if you have any combo of three of the five following characteristics (or fart more than once), you are fair game:

1. Fake lips
2. Fake tan
3. Fake boobs
4. Fake hair
5. You wear your gym pants at half mast.

Spinning is the closest thing I have right now to a religious experience. Yes, this is about me. So - to the two "Dancing Elaine meets Running Phoebe" spinners who are determined to be distracting as all hell QUIT YOUR IDIOTIC JERKING AND CONVULSING ON YOUR BIKE. You do not look good. You do not have rhythm. You are not turning anyone on with that silliness. Also, as a hopeful future spinning instructor, the last time I was next to you I kept thinking you were falling off the freakin' bike and was ready to assist. Stop that! If you need to move and shake your groove thang might I suggest a nice cardio dance class?

To the singer(s). You don't know the words. Stop pretending you do and making the people in the first row look back and think it's me making that horrible noise.

And to the woman who has given me the view of her asscrack for the past two classes. I think I may have a water bottle malfunction in the near future and give you a little somthin' somthin' down there.

Of course last, but by all means not least, the farters. I am a forgiving person. We all have slippage every once and awhile. But here's where you differ from the rest of us. You smelled it too the first time. You know the evil that resides inside. Unless you suffer from some war injury that has cut off all feeling to your lower body you have no excuse in my mind but to remove yourself and visit the restroom or take a walk outside the next time the feeling moves you. These are small, stuffy rooms with people already gasping for breath. Not nice.

Grief . . .

2009-01-27T23:40:00.000-08:00

It has been just over ten months since my life became a surreal story belonging in a Lifetime Movie. I have made significant strides in moving on. Meaning, at this point, that I don't cry myself to sleep as often or just cry while I do my everyday responsibilities. I am feeling more and more indifferent about K, in fact I feel that through the finalization of the divorce I sort of buried him. I have kind of had another step in the mourning process. I didn't realize the finality would bring up so many emotions again, but it feels like I have been at a really long funeral for the K that I knew, and yesterday he was buried. I feel like I buried my husband yesterday. So weird. With the sadness comes memories of the last year that were too difficult to document at the time, but are getting easier to talk about and think about, which naturally allows me to revisit the anger and hurt.

I remember the moment I found out he was gay, in fact I trapped an emotional husband in our large walk-in-closet and would not let him leave until he told me what was going on. I finally asked him if he was gay or something . . . hoping for a chuckle, his response was, "I don't know." I think the world stopped at that moment (Don't think I didn't think about the irony of us having this discussion in our closet, in fact it is secretly my favorite part of the story.), and I had a brief panic attack. I honestly thought, "Holy shit I need to call someone." Seconds later my phone rang and it was my sister. I explained what had just happened, swore her to secrecy for the time being and just sobbed. At first I thought that I could fix this. That I did not want people to judge K. I had this fear for his well being as he swore he had not been with anyone else and that he just couldn't hide it and be dishonest to me any longer. He expressed previous thoughts of suicide and fears of what would happen in his life. Would he ever find someone who would make him fully happy. In my shock I took it in and was even proud of him for being forthright. His parents happened to be visiting us that week, and I sat and held his hand as he explained his feelings to his mom and step-dad. He shared fears of not being supported or loved and disappointing everybody. As the first day ended I slowly sunk into the hell that the next months would provide. For the first two days I didn't want anything to do with anyone. I couldn't even look at my babies, and hearing them cry just made me sick to my stomach. I found that the only time I felt safe during that first week was on the floor in my closet. The world honestly seemed so huge and overwhelming that I felt like it would swallow me up. Just the week before I had posted a lovely tribute to the man of my dreams who I would be celebrating ten years with the next week. I spent hours compiling photos of our life together in chronological order for a slide show that I posted on our family blog with this tribute. I truly felt thrilled to be celebrating ten years with my sweet husband and new father to our twins. This was the man who would soon tell me he could no longer commit to a marriage and hoped to find someone he could fully love. He thought it would be a good idea to go out for anniversary anyway. He took me to a nice restaurant where I just kept thinking that we were going out to celebrate something that never existed. I tried to keep my composure through dinner as K went to the restroom and updated his secret lover on how the last anniversary was going. We left and ventured through downtown Denver, a place I had yet to see in our six months in living there. He kept suggesting places we could go, like maybe the Aquarium. It felt so surreal. I just cried. The tears would not stop, and I remember thinking that I was ruining the night. I felt like maybe if we just kept driving and never stopped it would be okay. I just wanted to fall into a deep sleep. I was sure that if I did I would wake up and it would all be over. I don't recall much after that right now. I remember getting home and there was a card on our bar from K's mom, and I know I had tons of questions and felt that K and I had the most heartfelt conversations we had experienced in a long time. The next week the in-laws would be heading back to SL. My dad kept telling me I just needed to come home with the kids, and I just didn't want to. If I left I had no control over the situation and I didn't know that K wouldn't harm himself. Between he, his parents, and mine I felt pressured into going home. At the airport we parted ways through tears. The kids and I flew from DEN to SLC and I think the kids slept the whole time. They were so good. I of course cried the entire way. K cried the whole way to his boyfriend's house, I later found out. It was comforting to be in my parents home and have the help and support you can only get when you are truly home. I received invaluable guidance and advice from my immediate family. It was advice I wasn't convinced I needed until I returned to Denver. . .

I wouldn't mind her talent and income . . .

2009-01-27T17:54:00.000-08:00

It's official . . .

2009-01-26T22:06:00.000-08:00

As of today, January 26, 2009, I am officially divorced. I'll write more later. Right now feeling pretty bummed, but too busy to do too much wallowing.

Hmmmm . . .

2009-01-23T23:32:00.000-08:00

Will I ever be able to put the bitterness and disgust aside?

This is my thought for today.

Oh, the Places You'll Go . . . (Well, most of it.)

2009-01-19T22:37:00.000-08:00

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don' t
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)
Dr. Seuss

Blah, blah, blah and new baby!!!

2009-01-18T21:58:00.000-08:00

First and foremost on Thursday my sweet sister-in-law delivered their first born! He is perfect and unbelievable. It has been such fun to see my baby brother and his wife become parents. It brings up such precious memories and emotions to see them experience the all encompassing feelings of love and protection over this perfect spirit. I love how a new baby brings everyone together and reminds me of what a gift it is to be a parent.

As one thought leads to another, it brings me back to the baffling choices of the kids father. Nothing I can change or do anything about, but it is so confusing and heartbreaking to me. I guess in times of joy and in times of sadness I am constantly reminded of where I am and why I'm here. I would like to erase my memories both good and bad of K so that I didn't have any reminders of that life. A life that was filled with insecurities and self blame over something I wouldn't understand for many years, and still don't. I am so glad that my babies were/are so young and that they won't have any recollection of these feelings I have had. I will always be grateful to the Lord for these miracle babies and what they bring to my life. These kids were handed a less than ideal hand from the get go, but they have been blessed with strength that I have never experienced. My strength definitely comes from the spirit of the Lord through these babies!

How is that for a Sunday post? I thought I would top it off with the Proclamation on the Family. I find the last paragraphs particularly helpful in a world where not much accountability is placed on those who choose to bring children into the world, and then deprive them of their rights. (Some days I feel more fired up than others as you might be able to sense.)

This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the
General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.

WE, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve
Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,
solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a
woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to
the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the
image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of
heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and
destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual
premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

IN THE PREMORTAL REALM, spirit sons and daughters knew
and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted
His plan by which His children could obtain a physical
body and gain earthly experience to progress toward per-
fection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of
eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family
relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred
ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it
possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and
for families to be united eternally.

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve
pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and
wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children
to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We
further declare that God has commanded that the sacred
powers of procreation are to be employed only between
man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

WE DECLARE the means by which mortal life is created to be
divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its
importance in God’s eternal plan.

HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love
and care for each other and for their children. “Children
are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a
sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness,
to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to
teach them to love and serve one another, observe the com-
mandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever
they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—
will be held accountable before God for the discharge of
these obligations.

THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and
woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled
to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by
a father and a mother who honor marital vows with com-
plete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be
achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord
Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are estab-
lished and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repen-
tance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and
wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers
are to preside over their families in love and righteousness
and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and
protection for their families. Mothers are primarily respon-
sible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred re-
sponsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one
another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circum-
stances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended
families should lend support when needed.

WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of
chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to ful-
fill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable
before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of
the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and
nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern
prophets.

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of gov-
ernment everywhere to promote those measures designed
to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental
unit of society.

THE FIRST PRESIDENCY AND COUNCIL OF THE TWELVE APOSTLES
OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS

New Year . . . New Semester . . .

2009-01-11T23:17:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow begins Spring Semester 2009 at the U. I am looking forward to the structured chaos that school brings to my life. I seem to get more done when I have more to do. I have registered for a spinning class that I will attend twice a week. I start tomorrow and am pretty nervous and already intimidated. It should make for a comical post and conversation. Well, K and his partner have officially relocated to Utah. They are living not too far from us, and so far things are going well. I am anticipating ups and downs, and I know there are pros and cons for me personally in them moving here. The important thing is that the kids should be able to spend more time with their dad and more consistently. I am pleasantly surprised at the interaction S and I have had, and especially the way he interacts with the children. He loves my children and I truly feel that he will do anything to keep them safe. We have been able to communicate well about the kids and I am looking forward to the continual growth and development of our relationships. Only time will tell, I guess. I still struggle at times with letting go of all that K has done, and right now I believe that there will always be a part of me that resents him and may never fully trust him. I am aware that this is based on his choices and actions, but also about me. These feelings are not constant and the tearful breakdowns have become fewer and farther between, though still intense at times. I am so glad that I have other and better things to be focusing on right now. I am so ready for a new year, how about you? I am trying to be more honest and open about my feelings and the poor choices that I have made over the last year. I made an apology this weekend that needed to be made, and I have felt a bit of a weight lifted off of my shoulders. As you all had the opportunity to read, I have taken a lot of my anger and hatred out on K's partner. Most of us have a filter to help keep things tactful, I sometimes choose to leave mine off. Anyway, we all make choices, and no matter what people deserve to be treated humanely. Okay, honestly I struggle with this a lot, but I'm working on it. Sometimes I think it would be more effective to just slap the hell out of people (verbally or physically), and there are truly those who deserve it. I need to work on this whole silence is golden theory my mom keeps talking about. May this new year bring me some self control and a good filter! (It doesn't count for blogging, right?)

Welcome 2009 . . .

2008-12-31T23:56:00.000-08:00

Halle-freakin'-lujah!!!

Good riddance 2008! Don't let the door hit you on the way out! May my married and dating sisters be in tune to their Gaydar in 2009! May my married and dating brothers be able to keep it in their pants and treat their families with love and respect!

Happy New Year!!

They're Baack!

2008-12-29T23:22:00.000-08:00

I am so psyched to have the kids back home and sleeping in their beds! They have been with their dad and his partner since Christmas Day, and I picked them up today at their dad's new house. It was a nice change to pick them up there, less stress for me. Their visit seemed to go really well. I called everyday to check on them, and that was received warmly, which I really appreciate. The guys were both very kind and thoughtful over the Holiday. Our communication is improving. It gives me a lot of hope for positive interactions in the future, but I don't dare let my guard all the way down. I'm still fairly uneasy with the in-laws and the issues that have been confronted and the feelings of being humored to try and keep the "drama" on the down low. Anyway . . . today was a good day! Grades are in for fall semester and I earned a 3.75 GPA. I am completely excited and even looking forward to next semester! Now, don't go starting any rumors, I am enjoying my break!!!! Happy New Year!!

Parental Advisory . . .

2008-12-28T01:40:00.001-08:00

I just added my Therapeutic Song List to this blog. You can pause the playlist at the bottom. There are a few songs that may have some offensive lyrics.

2008-12-25T18:53:00.000-08:00

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? [Christmas] came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

—Dr. Seuss (1904-1991); writer, cartoonist

Christmas Eve . . .

2008-12-24T21:28:00.000-08:00

It is 10:30 on Christmas Eve, and Santa has already delivered the Twins' gifts to our house. I am sitting in my living room, trying to muster up the energy to take a shower and attempt some good rest. We had such a great time tonight with my family. We all exchanged gifts, and of course all of the kids had a ball! It was a bit overwhelming for the the Twins, and I was about ready to pull my hair out by the time they headed off to bed. Lots of joyful chaos!!! It was so fun to watch the babes tear at the presents. They climbed on them and threw them and evened opened one or two, whoa . . .

I took the kids up to see their dad's house this morning. The kids were thrilled to see their dad, and it was nice to see where they will be spending some of their time. It is a very cool house, and pretty large. I can't help but be a bit envious. I figure that it took K and I about 8 or 9 years to become financially comfortable, and so my goal is to be financially comfortable in about that much time. Seeing where they are living helped to give me a little extra motivation.

The last couple of nights have been very emotional for me. I always looked forward to Christmas and it was always a joke between K and I that I was unable to keep his gifts a secret. It is just too hard for me, I get too excited! I miss things like that. I miss the little things a lot . . . like waking up next to someone, or looking forward to someone coming home. Even with all of the excitement that goes on throughout the day and the exhaustion I feel by the end of the day, I still miss the anticipation of someone coming home or the goodnight phone call from the "business trips." It seems so quiet tonight, and many nights I look forward to this peace and quiet, but not tonight. Tonight I miss the companionship.

With it being Christmas Eve, I feel I need to share the things I am grateful for this Holiday Season also. I have many blessings, even when times are hard I am so blessed. I have been blessed with very wise and amazing parents. I am so excited and thankful to have my sister and her husband close by. I am so grateful for each of my siblings. My brothers are so supportive and even protective of me, and that has meant the world to me. They, along with my dad are the Priesthood holders for my little family, and I take such comfort in having them nearby. I also have these amazing sisters-in-law who are supportive and kind, and so loving. I have a cozy and comfortable place to call home, that allows me to have some independence. I have an ex-husband who financially supports us so that I am able to stay home with the kids and go back to school. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life to give me daily and even hourly strength. I have been blessed with the most amazing children on the planet (it is really true). They give me constant joy, even when we are all tired! I feel blessed to have been chosen to be their mother. I am blessed for the example of my mother and father, and the laughter that comes with being a part of this family! Finally, I am grateful that it is almost time to take down the Christmas tree . . . and yet I am grateful it has survived two toddlers!

Merry Christmas!!!!

It's been a while . . .

2008-12-22T23:13:00.001-08:00

Happy Holidays, Friends!

I was finally able to take a deep breath or two this last week, as I finished up my final class for the semester! What a relief to be through my first semester back in school. I have really enjoyed school. It has been a good outlet for me, even though I feel old even in my night classes. In fact in one of my classes I was the only person over the age of 30, and I think I may have heard some gasps when it was discovered.

A lot has happened over the last month, and each night I have thought about blogging/journaling, and then find something that takes much less energy to do. Hard to imagine that there is something out there like that, but do any of you watch The Unit? I have been suckered in and am hooked, catching up on past episodes. (By the way, for any of you who know K's bio dad, I'm pretty sure he gets the ideas for his pretend life from this show. A long story for another time.) Anyway, as I was saying, there has been some fairly decent drama over the last month, but since I did not write down feelings at the time they are not at the surface anymore.

Thanksgiving without the kids seemed to be going smoothly. I was emotional sending them away for the Holiday, but was able to enjoy my four hour alone time as I drove to St. George to meet up with my family. I had a meltdown on Friday when I discovered that the kids were put in a situation that was not appropriate, and that turned into a fairly large blowup with K and his parents. We all sat down and actually did some communicating, though they were sort of forced into meeting with me, I was able to get some things off of my chest that needed to be expressed. I discovered some things about myself and K's parents and felt some sincerity from his mom. As many know, it is difficult to rebuild trust, especially when there isn't a whole lot there to begin with. We are now starting from scratch to build a trusting relationship, and I'll be honest I am a little hesitant. My hesitance comes from the lack of trust I have for people in general now, not to mention still working through feelings of betrayal and blatant disregard for my wishes as the mother. I doubt that I will have to worry about the same issue that occurred over Thanksgiving, but I feel like I am always waiting for the next major drama. I feel like the best indicators of how somebody feels are through their actions (not just their words), it seems too soon to see any changes or follow through and if we rely on past indicators I'm not holding my breath. I am really dreading sending them off for the Christmas Holiday. They will be spending time with their Dad and his partner after Christmas. Which leads to the next major to-do . . . K and his partner have officially moved to SLC, just around the corner from his parents. It has increased my anxiety level for some reason. When the move was a possibility it seemed like a great thing, but now I am not so sure. It is likely going to be great for the kids, which is most important, but it would be better for me if we lived more than 500 miles away from one another. Part of me still hopes we can have a good and working relationship, but for now it will hopefully be working, with some forced good from both sides. We will fake it to make it for now with bits of sincerity tossed in. Off to bed . . . I need all the energy I can get to make it through a day filled with 2 climbing toddlers, a Christmas tree, a trip to the grocery store, and what seems like 12 meals a day (most of which end up on the floor). I do love being a mom, don't get me wrong, I just didn't think it would ever be as exhausting as those first few months. Mobility is a whole new world!

I have also been asked (again) to make this blog private . . . can I just say uggghhh. Not likely going to happen. The concern seems to be an increase in gossip, which is not my intent to facilitate or promote through this blog. My intent, for the bazillionth time is to express my thoughts and feelings, to vent and to tell MY STORY the way it truthfully exists.

2008-12-20T23:40:00.000-08:00

A Commentary on the Document
“Six Consequences . . . if Proposition 8 Fails”
Morris A. Thurston

(An attorney and Law Professor at BYU)

An anonymously authored document titled “Six Consequences the Coalition Has Identified if Proposition 8 Fails” is currently being distributed by a coalition of churches and other organizations in support of Proposition 8, an initiative on the November 2008 California ballot. The intent of Proposition 8 is to overturn the California Supreme Court’s ruling allowing homosexuals to marry.

Most of the arguments contained in “Six Consequences” are either untrue or misleading. The following commentary addresses those arguments and explains how they are based on misinterpretations of law and fact. My intent is to be of service in helping our Church avoid charges of using falsehoods to gain a political victory. I do not believe these so called “consequences” have originated at or been approved by Church headquarters; rather, I suspect they are the result of overzealous volunteers who have misinterpreted California law and the legal cases on which the supposed consequences depend. Relying on deceptive arguments is not only contrary to gospel principles, but ultimately works against the very mission of the Church.

The original document text is in Times Roman font; my responses are in Arial italics font.

Six Consequences the Coalition [in Support of Proposition 8]
Has Identified If Proposition 8 Fails

1. Children in public schools will have to be taught that same-sex marriage is just as good as traditional marriage.

The California Education Code already requires that health education classes instruct children about marriage. (#51890)

Therefore, unless Proposition 8 passes, children will be taught that marriage is between any two adults regardless of gender. There will be serious clashes between the secular school system and the right of parents to teach their children their own values and beliefs.

Response: This is untrue. California Education Code 51890 provides that “pupils will receive instruction to aid them in making decisions in matters of personal, family, and community health.” The focus is on health. The statute provides for community participation, including lectures by practicing professional health and safety personnel from the community. Things that are to be taught include, for example, drug use and misuse, nutrition, exercise, diseases and disorders, environmental health and safety, as well as “family health and child development, including the legal and financial aspects and responsibilities of marriage and parenthood.”

Another section of the Education Code (51933) deals with comprehensive sexual
health education and HIV/AIDS prevention. It provides that instruction shall be age appropriate and medically accurate, shall teach “respect for marriage and committed relationships,” and shall encourage a pupil to communicate with his or her parents about human sexuality.

Therefore, no provision of the Education Code requires any teacher to teach that
Same sex marriage is “just as good” as traditional marriage. Teachers are to teach respect for marriage and committed relationships, and Proposition 8 will not change this law.

2. Churches may be sued over their tax exempt status if they refuse to allow same-sex marriage ceremonies in their religious buildings open to the public. Ask whether your pastor, priest, minister, bishop, or rabbi is ready to perform such marriages in your chapels and sanctuaries.

Response: This false “consequence” is based on the misrepresentation of a case in New Jersey involving an association affiliated with the Methodist Church. In considering that case, it is important to remember that New Jersey does not permit gay marriage, so that case had nothing to do with Proposition 8.

What was the New Jersey case about? The Ocean Grove Camp Meeting Association (OGCMA), a Methodist organization, had taken advantage of a New Jersey law granting a state property tax exemption for a pavilion in the seaside town of Ocean Grove that was dedicated for public use. Note that the case did not involve income tax exemptions and note that the purpose for giving the exemption in the first place was to reward organizations for opening their buildings and facilities for public use.

The property in question was a boardwalk pavilion open to the public. “Bands play there. Children skateboard through it. Tourists enjoy the shade. It’s even been used for debates and Civil War reenactments.” It was also available to be reserved for marriage ceremonies by people of any faith. Nevertheless, the OGCMA wanted to prohibit a gay commitment ceremony (not a marriage ceremony) from being held in the pavilion. The New Jersey real estate commission ruled that if OGCMA intended to claim a property tax exemption for a building open to the public, they could not discriminate. Seen in this light, it was a sensible ruling. Implicit in the ruling is that the group could discriminate if they ceased to claim a property tax exemption for a public facility. It is important to note that this ruling pertained only to the pavilion, which constituted a mere one percent of the property the OGCMA owned. The total amount of additional tax assessed was $200. The OGCMA continues to receive a property tax exemption for the remaining 99% of its property.

This case has nothing at all to do with any Mormon, Catholic or any other church’s chapel or sanctuary that is used for religious purposes. It has nothing to do with any church’s income tax exemption. To my knowledge, the Mormon Church has never sought to take advantage of a property tax exemption similar to the New Jersey exemption and likely never would.

The California Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage cannot have any federal tax consequences, and the Court so noted explicitly in its decision. The Supreme Court also noted that its ruling would not require any priest, rabbi or minister to perform gay marriages, which should be self evident because of the First Amendment’s guarantee of freedom of religion.

3. Religious adoption agencies will be challenged by government agencies to give up their long-held right to place children only in homes with both a mother and a father. Catholic Charities in Boston already closed its doors in Massachusetts because courts legalized same-sex marriage there.

Response: Another misrepresentation. To begin with, it should be noted that Catholic Charities in Boston was not forced to close its doors—indeed it is still very active. (See
its website at www.ccab.org.) Rather, Catholic Charities voluntarily ceased providing adoption service in Massachusetts. According to the Boston Globe, Catholic Charities elected to close its doors in protest over the legalization of gay marriage in Massachusetts and because it was reluctant to undertake a lawsuit that might be lost.

LDS Family Services still operates in Massachusetts, as it does in California. There are several differences between LDSFS and Catholic Charities. LDSFS does not take federal or state funds; Catholic Charities does. LDSFS facilitates only voluntary adoptions and permits the birth mother to approve the adoptive parents. Catholic
Charities handled non voluntary adoptions (where the state seizes the children) and normally did not accommodate birth mother approval. Catholic Charities had contracts with the state and was, in effect, acting as an agent of the state. LDSFS does not. To date, LDS Family Services has never been forced to place any children with a gay couple, and has never been sued for not doing so.

If this situation ever faces a legal challenge in California, it will not matter whether
Proposition 8 passes because California already has on its books (and has for several years) laws granting domestic partners (homosexual and heterosexual) the same civil rights as married couples. This is a point that many people seem not to understand.
Here is the language of just one California statute: “Registered domestic partners shall have the same rights, protections, and benefits, and shall be subject to the same responsibilities, obligations, and duties under law, whether they derive from statutes, administrative regulations, court rules, government policies, common law, or any other provisions or sources of law, as are granted to and imposed upon spouses.”

Therefore, the passage or failure of Proposition 8 will have no effect on the placement of orphans with gay couples in California.

4. Religions that sponsor private schools with married student housing may be required to provide housing for same-sex couples, even if counter to church doctrine, or risk lawsuits over tax exemptions and related benefits.

Response: This claim relates to an experience at Yeshiva University in New York. Gay students were eligible for University housing, but their partners were not able to join them because they did not have marriage certificates. It should be noted that Yeshiva
University (despite its name) is chartered as a nonsectarian institution, enabling it to receive state and federal funding. The New York court found that Yeshiva was discriminating against the students based on their sexual orientation—not their marital status. The ruling was based on New York City non-discrimination laws.

California’s existing non-discrimination laws give all registered domestic partners, whether heterosexual or homosexual, the right of equal access to family housing. To date, however, no California private religious school has been forced to comply with this law. Neither the passage nor the failure of Proposition 8 will have any bearing on the law relating to family student housing in California.

The gay marriage problem will not arise at BYU and other Church universities because engaging in homosexual activity is a violation of the honor code and is a basis for expulsion from the University. These rules will not be overturned merely because
California recognizes gay marriage, any more than they have been because
Massachusetts, Canada and many European nations recognize them.

5. Ministers who preach against same-sex marriages may be sued for hate speech and risk government fines. It already happened in Canada, a country that legalized gay marriage.
A recent California court held that municipal employees may not say: “traditional marriage,” or “family values” because, after the same-sex marriage case, it is “hate speech.”

Response: Of course, anyone can be “sued” for anything, but no minister has been convicted of a crime in Canada or the United States for preaching against same-sex marriages. The Owens case, on which this statement is based, was brought well before gay marriage was legal in Canada and did not involve a minister, but a private citizen. In that case, a man named Hugh Owens produced bumper stickers and took out an ad that depicted two stick figures holding hands, covered by a circle and a slash, along with a reference to a passage in Leviticus that says that a man engaging in homosexual activity “shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them.” The lower court ruled that this amounted to hate speech, but the decision was overturned on review. The current Canadian law on hate propaganda excludes any speech if it is spoken during a private conversation or if the person uttering the speech “is attempting in good faith to establish by argument an opinion on a religious subject.” Thus, even ministers who preach against same-sex marriages in Canada have no risk of legal liability or government fines.

This would never be an issue in the United States because we have far more liberal freedom of speech and religion laws than does Canada. There have been no hate speech lawsuits in Massachusetts, which has been a gay marriage state for four years.

The description of the recent California case is another fabrication. This case is Good News Employee Association v. Hicks, which was decided before the Supreme Court legalized gay marriages and so it, too, has nothing to do with Proposition 8. The plaintiffs in that case were evangelical Christians (not homosexuals) who posted flyers around the offices of the Oakland Community and Economic Development Agency promoting their “Good News Association” and calling on those who read the flyer to “preserve our workplace with integrity … with respect for the natural family, marriage and family values.” In other words, this group was promoting the idea of ridding their workplace of gay people—a blatantly homophobic message and highly offensive not only to several gay people who worked there but to heterosexual co-workers as well.
The supervisors removed the flyers. The Good News people sued, claiming their rights of free speech were violated. The court found that the agency was entitled to eliminate the workplace disruption the flyers were causing and noted that there were many other ways for this group to promote their message without resorting to such offensive tactics.

This case does not hold that municipal employees are prohibited from saying “traditional marriage” or “family values” and it has nothing to do with gay marriage, or ministers preaching, or Proposition 8. Indeed, the court specifically found that there were many other ways for these people to get their message out without disrupting the workplace by creating an atmosphere of persecution.

6. It will cost you money. This change in the definition of marriage will bring a cascade of lawsuits, including some already lost (e.g., photographers cannot now refuse to photograph gay marriages, doctors cannot refuse to perform artificial insemination of gays even given other willing doctors). Even if courts eventually find in favor of a defender of traditional marriage (highly improbable given today’s activist judges), think of the money– your money – that will be spent on such legal battles.

Response: The argument concerning cost is fallacious and calculated to engender fear. In actuality, the net fiscal effect of Proposition 8 will be an influx of revenue to California because of the anticipated increase in marriage ceremonies and the related boon to the economy. The change in the definition of marriage will not bring a “cascade of lawsuits” because heterosexual and homosexual registered domestic partners already have all the rights of married couples in California. None of the lawsuits alluded to in this paragraph has anything to do with gay marriage.

The wedding photographer case was in New Mexico, a state that has no gay marriage law. The medical doctor case was in California, but was based on our existing non-discrimination laws and would not be affected one way or the other by the passage of Proposition 8.

In the California case, a medical clinic that provided intrauterine insemination (IUI) to its patients, refused to treat one of them because she was a lesbian. California’s broad anti-discrimination laws expressly ban discrimination by any business establishment that offers to the public “accommodations, advantages, facilities, privileges, or services.” This statute bans discrimination against individual heterosexuals and homosexuals alike, as well as married people and domestic partners. Therefore, the clinic had the option of either having a doctor on staff who would perform IUI services on a non-discriminatory basis, or cease performing the services at all. Whether we agree with this decision or not, the fact is that the law upon which this ruling was based will not be affected by the passage of Proposition 8, so there is no “consequence” if the proposition fails.

The gratuitous comment concerning “activist judges” seems to be framed as an appeal to fear and paranoia. In fact, however, today’s justices on both the California Supreme Court and the United States Supreme Court can hardly be called “activist.” Six of the seven justices of the California Supreme Court were appointed by Republican governors; seven of the nine justices of the United States Supreme Court were appointed by Republican presidents. Most legal scholars would agree that they are moderate to conservative in their leanings and have a healthy respect for constitutional principles. The California Supreme Court has a high reputation throughout the land. A recent study indicates that its decisions are approved of and followed by out-of-state courts far more than are the decisions of any other supreme court in the United States.

Ronald M. George, the chief justice of the California Supreme Court, who wrote the opinion for the majority in the marriage cases, is a judicial moderate who was never considered to be an activist judge. He has an outstanding scholarly background (Princeton and Stanford) and worked as a prosecutor immediately after graduating from law school. He was appointed a Superior Court judge at the early age of 32 by Republican Governor Ronald Reagan. Though young, he quickly gained a reputation as fair-minded, insightful, hard working and tough on crime. He was widely praised for his handling of the difficult trial of the Hillside Strangler, Angelo Buono. He rose in the ranks of judges until he was appointed to the California Supreme Court by Republican Governor Pete Wilson.

As Justice George considered the marriage cases, the decision “weighed heavily” on his mind. He remembered a long ago trip he made with his European immigrant parents through the American South. There, the signs warning “No Negro” or “No colored” left “quite an indelible impression on me,” he recalled. As a judicial conservative, it would have been safest for him to vote against the petitioners and avoid the backlash that he knew would come. But, as he put it in an interview with the Los Angeles Times, “I think there are times when doing the right thing means not playing it safe.”

The function of judges is to evaluate cases before them and apply constitutional principles to assure that minorities, as well as majorities, receive justice. In controversial cases they are bound to anger some portion of the electorate regardless of how they vote. Their unenviable job is to ignore public opinion and apply the law as they see it. Some decisions are so difficult that reasonable minds can differ. The Supreme Court decision in the marriage cases was that sort of decision. Nevertheless, four of the seven justices on what is considered a moderate to conservative court agreed on the verdict that was rendered. This decision cannot be written off as merely the whim of “activist judges.”

Conclusion

In summary, the arguments used in “Six Consequences ... If Proposition 8 Fails” are false, misleading, and based on faulty logic. Almost every legal case alluded to is misrepresented. The passage or failure of Proposition 8 will not affect any of the scenarios posed by this document; none of the so-called “adverse consequences” will change for Californians whether or not Proposition 8 passes, hence they cannot properly be called “consequences.”

Some needed laughs . . .

2008-11-20T22:52:00.000-08:00

You know this is funny, no matter who you voted for!!!!

Time Magazine

Teamwork . . .

2008-11-17T23:23:00.000-08:00

I have not really written for a while. At least I haven't written one of those heart felt, need to get this out, kind of writing. I don't know if I have it in me tonight either, but after an exhausting week of the flu in our house, I need to debrief. Wednesday night baby girl began throwing up, and continued about every 20 minutes until 3 a.m. She was so sick, and I finally took her to the doctor on Friday afternoon. She had "this nasty flu bug that is really going around." You know, the one that is always going around when your child is sick and you take them to the doctor. The kids were supposed to spend the weekend with their dad, but we decided it would be best for them to stay home, since E was so sick, and they take such comfort in being together. It ended up being a good thing, because Friday night Diesel and I both started throwing up. Delightful. The kids' dad came over in the middle of the night and helped care for D while I tried to take care of me. This continued most of the weekend. The kids finally felt well enough to go spend some one on one time with their dad, which I was ready for on Sunday morning. I slept and slept. We are all still eating really bland diets, but on the up and up. The positive is that I didn't have too much time to dwell on hard feelings and disappointments, which are becoming fewer and farther between. I have been trying to really examine my own behaviors lately and try to follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost. (Trying being the key word.) With these conscious efforts I have been thinking a lot about team work. K and his partner will be moving here in January, maybe sooner. He accepted a job here and so there you have it. I have mixed feelings, of course. I feel like this will be great for the kids, and it will be nice to relieve some of the pressure I have put on my parents, who have really sacrificed and given to facilitate my going back to school and just making sure that we are taken care of and okay. On the other hand, I don't know if I am emotionally ready to have to see him and think about him more frequently. I feel like I am just starting to settle into myself. It is still difficult to see him, and when he is kind I see my best friend again, and I really miss him. So that is my reservation. For the kids' sake we will make it work, which brings me back to the teamwork thoughts. Whether K and his partner and myself like each other or not, our success as a whole, depends on our individual success. I say that with regards to a healthy relationship for the children and for all of us financially. My first thoughts, honestly, are bummer. However, I am also feeling strong and ready to take on the upcoming challenge. I am working on mending relationships with K and S. I am working on my part, not theirs. I am still ticked about this whole situation, don't get me wrong, but I am learning there is no room in my life for people who don't want to be there, and so much room in my life for the enjoyment of my children, learning, serving others, and Sunday night television!

2008-11-12T08:47:00.000-08:00

“By sharing something, I realized that I'm not alone, that there are a lot of people that share with me the same preoccupations, the same ideas, the same ideals, and the same quest for a meaning for this life. ”

—Paulo Coelho (b. 1947); novelist

Keeping up . . .

2008-11-09T23:11:00.000-08:00

I have not been keeping up on my "journaling." Wow, what a week it has been. Halloween was fun for the kids. I took them down to their dad's work and my mom's work in their costumes. They seemed to have a great time strutting around. K's work was a little awkward, probably more so for the people who know our situation than for us. However, it is these little things that stir up memories and longing for a "traditional" marriage and family dynamic. I miss feeling a part of his work and his life. It feels so normal to do things like that, and then reality hits and I'm back. The kids' dad joined us for trick-or-treating and all went surprisingly well. I made him aware ahead of time that I am not the only person unhappy with him. He decided to join us anyway, and everyone behaved well. The kids seemed excited to have everyone there. I didn't realize how emotionally exhausting it was for me until the kids were in bed and K had left. I had a minor meltdown and was grateful for the shoulders of my Mom and sis-in-law to cry on. I don't think I was angry, just sad. More reminders of what is lost. I cannot help but feel a lot of sadness for him, too. A lot of changes from my ideal husband, father, and soul mate. Emotions aside, it was a pretty big step for both of us and a good move in the right direction for the sake of the babies. I have so much more to share, but can't seem to get my thoughts organized tonight. Lots on my mind, though. Prop 8, Obama, amazing preemies (not just mine), karma, etc, etc, etc. I will try and catch up tomorrow, I need to try and wind down.

A bump in the road . . .

2008-10-30T13:11:00.001-07:00

I am sitting at my kitchen table doing homework while the twins nap. I have this awesome, large, picture window in my kitchen and I find myself staring out at the fall leaves a lot lately. We enjoyed the weather today up on campus. I took the twins up to the U with me to vote. They are doing early voting for SL County residents through tomorrow. We grabbed some lunch and I fed them while we waited in line. We got in line behind two women who played with the kids the entire time. It was amazing and reminded me how grateful I am for Tender Mercies of the Lord. The kids were entertained for the entire thirty minute wait, and then when we got to the voter check-in station the people were so thrilled to see the kids. It was really refreshing during a potentially chaotic situation. We then enjoyed our walk back to the car, which was a bit of a hike, of course. Anyway, as I have been thinking about the tender mercies in my life I thought back to my miscarriage in 2006, about six months before I found out I was pregnant with the twins. It was really devastating, and I recall one of my doctors saying that this was just a bump in the road. Do you see the parallels? Today, I am feeling like this year and possibly years to come, are just a really big bump in the road. As we drove home today from the U, I left the windows down. Diesel just giggled and gasped at the air coming in. It reminded me of a roller coaster ride. He was nearly squealing. I always loved the feeling of coming over that big hill on the roller coaster, and I am really looking forward to getting over that hump. I am finding myself experiences signs and symptoms of "moving on." I have a playlist on my iPod that I made just before I found out about Kasey. It has some of my favorite songs, and songs that Kasey and I both loved, or that reminded me of us. Since March I have had a difficult time listening to a lot of the songs, and find myself constantly fast forwarding. Well, on my way home from class this week I realized I was just enjoying the music and singing along. I had not skipped anything. I was suddenly aware that this was a big step and that I can actually enjoy things on my own terms again. Not bad, huh? Well, I will leave you with some things that are on my mind today . . . .

Byzantine Mosaics

Elections

Health Insurance

playing with babies

sunshine and fresh air

trick-or-treating with my family and the Twins' dad (I'll let you know how that one goes.)

Avoiding homework

divorce papers

lack of communication

legal fees

good tv night

Paradise cookies!!!

a seriously disgusting car

The irritation returns . . .

2008-10-24T23:42:00.000-07:00

I found out tonight that I have been denied health insurance for pre-existing conditions. Sounds like my options are a public health plan of some sorts, possibly student insurance, or a full-time job . . . the research continues.

Dare I express the disgust and disappointment I feel about why I am in this situation? Or is this one of those things I should only be sharing with a therapist? (pardon the sarcasm.)

The "learning experiences" are getting exhausting.

However . . .

ENDURE, ENDURE, ENDURE!!!!!!

I just re-read Elder Wirthlin's talk from the Saturday Afternoon General Conference session. It is an amazing talk, you should check it out . . . click here.

I head to bed tonight with the following words on my mind . . . "Come What May, and Love It!"

Welcome to my pity party . . .

2008-10-23T22:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight I don't feel the anger. Tonight I just feel sad. K came over with his mom on his way from the airport. He came to say goodnight to the Twins. The kids were thrilled to see him. I still have a hard time seeing him, but it was a pleasant enough 30 minutes. When they went to leave, after the kids were down, he gave me a hug, an old Kasey hug, and I just started to cry. It really caught me off guard, the sudden emotion. It was an unexpected eruption. All of the sudden the sadness hit me. (It hits every so often, so this is not totally new.) Tonight I miss my pretend husband and my pretend life. I miss my friend and my "soul mate." I miss for the kids what they deserve. I miss the hugs that used to mean so much. I miss just having him in the same room, even if he is just working on his computer. I miss the "our" stuff: our shows, our jokes, etc. I wish I didn't miss him. I wish I were superhuman and could pretend that there were not wonderful times that I sincerely miss. Tonight I am not mad or even hurt, just sad, mourning the loss of my husband, my companion and my best friend. Tonight I look forward to tomorrow morning; to hugging my babies and showing them how much they are loved! I could have held them and rocked them them all night tonight. Their smiles are the best reminder of what is important, and I am grateful for that reminder!!

A lot can happen in a year . . .

2008-10-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

It was one year ago this week that I moved with my beautiful 6 month old twins, and my husband to Castle Rock, CO. This is a picture of our new house at the time, almost ready to move in. It was such an exciting time. We had been planning our move for over six months, and our home was truly dream-like. I was excited to get to know new friends, and raise the babies together with an amazing husband. I enjoyed October and November of last year, even up through Christmas. After that, in hindsight, things began going downhill. I was on autopilot. K was more and more absent. RSV was especially bad last year and with preemies we were to avoid crowds if at all possible. This meant my outings included going to the pediatrician, the grocery store, and to drive throughs. I miss my independence and my fake life in Denver. I don't miss having no support and feeling completely worn down and unappreciated. I don't miss worrying about what was wrong with my husband or why I couldn't help him with his anxiety and depression. I don't miss not knowing what was going on, and really just constant worrying. Tonight I don't feel sad. Tonight the anger and disgust hide my hurt. As I look back on what I thought was ahead of us last October, it would not have had anything to do with the ultimate deception, homosexuality, loss of relationships with my in-laws, moving back home, attorneys, mediation, divorce, questioning the last 10-15 years of my life, the insecurities that come with infidelity and divorce (yes, even when the spouse is homosexual), etc. So many questions and dishonesties that my brain is near explosion.

I have also had apologies on my mind. An apology is always appreciated, and it does mean something, but how does an apology ease the blow of something like this? I'm sure that the answer has more to do with time and faith than anything else. Why doesn't sorry cut it? I have felt frustrated with the idea of sorry lately. I cheated on you with a man, I have lied for the last six and a half years about my choices and forever about who I really am, I chose my own wants and needs over my children and spouse, but all is well now because I'm sorry. I am sure that this is part of the process of forgiving and understanding, at least I hope it is. I look forward to a day when I can just say, "Oh well." It sort of reminds me of Ellen Degeneres' piece on "Just kidding."

Forgiveness seems to be floating out there somewhere, but still not within my reach. I am not trusting yet, but at the same time I really want to. I really want to believe everything that K says, that he truly is sorry, but unfortunately my first thoughts have to do with what the real motives are. I am still not convinced that the kids best interests are being looked after. I am not concerned about their immediate well being, but more of the long term. I am still feeling that my kids were/are being put on the altar in hopes of saving their father. This is so frustrating, and yet I have no control over the decisions that have been made. I absolutely have control over the example I am to them, but how frightening is the unknown and the risks that are willing to be taken? I believe their dad when he says that he will be there for them and that he loves them, but I am still confused about how he could not be there for them or feel eternally attached to them for their entire first year of life. Not to say it cannot happen, I just don't understand. I once had a good friend explain to me that he was just getting to know his son, who had recently turned two. He explained that children are so close to their mothers over the first couple of years that even being in the home and a part of his son's life on a daily basis was not enough to truly know this little person. I am hopeful at times that K will continue to step up and be consistent, like he has, and that I will eventually move past the lies. Such an uneasy time in my life.

On a positive note, I think I aced a quiz tonight! I'm off to watch Bye, Bye Birdie! or The Devil Wears Prada. Not really able to focus on text books tonight. (The anxiety seems to appear in the evenings after the kids are in bed and the house is quiet.)

Even more amazing . . . talking/jabbering 17 month olds!!!!

Try and keep up people . . .

2008-10-18T23:52:00.000-07:00

I was public, then private, now public . . .

Sorry for all of the confusion and inconsistency.

I think I have some of my spunk and inspiration back as to why I began writing and sharing my thoughts, feelings, etc.

Thanks, Juli!

Speaking of grateful . . .

2008-10-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about gratitude. Quite honestly the highly controversial emails below have encouraged some self inventory. Now, I know some of you will be shocked to read this, but I have a long way to go as far as humility and being the best me I know how. We rarely live up to our potentials, and take advantage of our talents and the doors that God opens for us. When we do take advantage of those doors, I think we often forget who to thank. When I am feeling hurt, which usually leads to anger these days, I do lose sight of what blessings have presented themselves through this process. I also have found myself forgetting to give credit to the Lord for guiding me. In hindsight, I would not have asked Kasey some of the questions I did without promptings from the Holy Ghost. How would I have made it through that first week without Kasey's parents. For that I will feel forever grateful, as there were a couple of days when I could not even look at my beautiful babies, and needed the kindness and support of Kasey's mom, who happened to be there with her husband to visit for the week. I would not have discovered the things I did to force me to get moving, literally. My Dad knew from the first tearful phone call to him explaining Kasey's feelings, that the kids and I needed to get out of there. I wasn't ready at first. As most of you know, I am stubborn and must find out for myself and make decisions on my own terms. I was not ready to leave. However, it did not take long for me to realize that the twins and I needed family support and help. I feel the Lord has truly blessed us. He helped to get us where we needed to be and with the love and support we desperately needed and continue to need. The truth is, I am grateful for the time frame. I am grateful I did not keep my children or myself one more day in a place that was not healthy for any of us, including their dad. I often think, "How have I made it to where I am?" The reality is that through the guidance of the Lord. Taking care of two babies alone, with limited support, and no family or friends around was difficult at best. I have enjoyed nearly every second with my children, and have been blessed abundantly with these two angels. I don't think I realized at the time that I was being carried, or that I even needed to be carried. I am grateful that I met Kasey's partner before I left. That he was willing to come into the home of his boyfriend's wife and children and meet us. I need to think about this human being and what a frightening situation that must have been. (Can anyone say awkward?) S, I appreciate you for doing that. It was important for me to know you for some reason. I am grateful that despite the feelings, the children are being loved by everybody. I am grateful that the children are as young as they are, and I will always be grateful for these children and where they came from. I have no regrets, only disappointments. Unfortunately I may have burned some bridges in sharing my disappointments, hurt, and ultimately anger. My goal is to be a great person by striving to be Christlike. I am going to try to forgive, and I will at some point, I have not doubt. Today just isn't the day. I am still hurt and angry, and I am still going to swear at times. I still feel betrayed, and I don't know if I will ever truly trust anybody again . . . but that can be worked out in therapy, right? If you check out K & S blog, you will see that they seem very happy together. They have a lot of difficult things to be thinking about as well. I am learning, slowly, that my happiness is up to me, not up to them, not based on the way others view me. I actually felt slightly inspired, but also taken back by their new blog. I was taken back to see them as a family unit. They are together and what each other has been hoping for their whole lives. The sadness is still there. I continue to mourn the loss of this person who I thought was so happy with me, and to see joy in his eyes that I only saw at the birth of the children. Coming to terms with the fact that I am not seated there with him is difficult, at best. However, the little bit of inspiration comes from realizing that if they can be happy in a relationship that began with bad choices and be able to move forward, then I need to pull myself out of this hole and push through. I know that I will and I know that I can, I am just so impatient. Tonight, I might be starting to get it.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring . . .

Oops, I'm still public . . .

2008-10-07T17:37:00.000-07:00

Boy, I have had some interesting conversations over the last 24 hours to say the least. One of the big issues certain people are having is that I only focus on the negative. I do need to focus on the positive more, and again, it keeps coming up. So I need to share that I have always had a wonderful relationship with my in-laws and loved them dearly. Things I appreciate about them:

Have always been very supportive of everything their children do.
Always say, "I love you."
Came to visit us wherever we have lived.
Sweet testimonies of the Gospel.
Fun grandparents, love their grandchildren.
Have invited me to some family gatherings.

I know there are more things I am grateful to them for, but lets move on to what I am grateful to have in Kasey:

He loves his children, and has had a change of behavior in spending time with them.
He is a hard worker.
He financially supports us
He has been dealt a crumby hand as well, and is trying to make better choices.
He expresses his gratitude for my taking care of the kids.

This blog was not set up to "bash" anyone. It is set up for me to be able to share MY story and MY feelings. I am sorry for those who feel hurt by this, that was not my intention. I have not and will not make up lies or stories. I am not trying to rally a team together against my soon to be ex or his family. I hope to receive objective feedback. Also, I am very aware that therapy could only help me in getting through this, and I am not trying to use this as my "psychiatric help." Some people have expressed, in their deepest concern and with kind words that I am "crazy" and need this psychiatric help that has been mentioned. For the record, I think my anti-depressants are helping. If therapy and antidepressants will take away my big mouth and wanting to share my feelings then I am not sure that I am in favor. However, I do know that it is helpful and I do know that I do have a great support system and will seek the help that I and those close to me see as fit.

I also want to explain that everyone has their own process and time frame in dealing with things and letting go, right? Well, my process has gone something like this . . .

In a nutshell of course . . .

Concerned about the ex's struggling with such a big burden our whole marriage, and wanting to make this transition easier for him, as well as taking care of the babies. Insisted on meeting the partner/mistress after finding out about him, insisted on everyone else meeting and accepting the said partner, throwing a BBQ for both families and friends to meet the said partner, had background check run on partner, wanted to be friends with everyone and be super woman in dealing with all of this, because it wasn't his fault, right? Not only that, I need to be a good example to my children and be Christ-like (which I was told tonight I am absolutely not). Accordingly, and in a sort of backwards way of accepting my own reality I crashed. I got angry, I have felt the hurt, I have come to the realization that I felt I was putting 100% into a marriage and a relationship and that maybe 25% was being reciprocated and that was only keeping up appearances. I am coming to terms with the fact that I don't get to be a PTA Mom, and I will have to support my family on my own, that I no longer have the beautiful home that we worked together to attain, that my children don't get to have both their mother and their father in their home, etc. However, please don't think I am "naive" enough to not realize that there are harder things in life. I know that I need to move forward and heal, and to me I finally am moving forward and taking the steps to heal. I AM FEELING THIS! I am working on things, and even in a timely matter considering it has only been 6 MONTHS since finding out my husband was gay, and only 5 MONTHS since finding out that he had been seeing someone else and then meeting that "friend" in my home (which we left the next day to move out and go back to UT), and only 3 MONTHS since finding out that my husband was sleeping with a man and faking business trips, and finally only 1 & 1/2 MONTHS since our mediation. In this time I have also started school, paid for it myself (with the help of my half of our savings and proceeds from the sale of our home), and settled into a new home and environment. I have to say, I don't think I'm doing that horrible. Granted, there are plenty of things I need to work on. I am not saying I am handling things ideally, but until I find someone who has a concrete answer on that, I don't think there is any room to talk!

Oh, and I am having second thoughts about going private. I have had an overwhelming response and support. Thank you. Please continue to send me your emails if you want to be included, in case I do officially go private.

Going private . . .

2008-10-06T12:52:00.000-07:00

Well, friends. My thoughts and feelings have created a little bit of controversy, so for now My Journey is going private. However, I would love to add you to the list, whether you are a friend or a stranger. I would love to be able to read your thoughts and feelings on my thoughts and feelings. :) Please email me at kimcrocheron@gmail.com or respond to this post. I will be going private on Tuesday night, October 7.

Another day, another drama . . .

2008-10-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

Are some people able to just drop it, cut off contact, and "let go?" How? I can see if I didn't have to think about the Twins and helping to facilitate and support the relationship with their Dad, but doing that how do you make the balance? Apparently you don't try and facilitate a relationship with the "other" guy. . . Shane was kind enough to include an email I sent to him a little while ago, it is in red. Was I too harsh, or mean? To me it feels honest. Now Shane and I had a good relationship during the major shock/trauma time of this, so maybe through May, but as I discovered the depth of the affair I lost it. For the record, he did help me through a good month or so, by helping me understand what it is like for a homosexual man to come out and go through what Kasey has gone through. I can try to empathize with that, but I am really hung up on the whole lying bit. The homosexuality, to me, is a separate issue. I will have to get into my own thoughts on that in a different post. I do have some strong feelings about how we have been taught in our culture to think about homosexuals. But for now, enjoy . . .

The following is an email conversation I have been having over the last couple of days with K's partner. You will need to start at the bottom and read up to start at the beginning.

Shane: Your absolutely right you do get to be sad and devastated! I support that 100%. So why would I write all those other things? Because those are the things you are showing me. If you wanted to vent about how terrible everything is that is fine, I completely understand. But when it starts effecting me and who you think I am, I take offense. Do I not have the right? Am I supposed to allow you to call me a liar and tell me that you will worry about your children when they are around me. This isn't just the Kim story, however devastating it may be it is a story about Kim and Kasey and Shane and Elle and Diesel and 2 really great families. All of the characters in this story have a part and those parts are not perfect. But when I see everyone involved I see one person who told a huge lie and hurt you really bad. He is so sorry that he ever hurt you. I am so sorry that you have been hurt. But I still have to say that if there is someone to be mad at it wouldn't be him as much as the institution that told him to do it. Ask yourself this one question, If he lied to you once does that make him a liar forever? Is that trust in him so far gone that you cannot ever trust him again? If that answer is yes, then let him go and stop fighting with him. Because you don't believe him anyway! Nor will you ever change your mind about him. If you think I am a liar, again, stop trying to have a relationship and know that you will never change that opinion in your mind.

I know it is hard and I know this isn't the life you wanted to live. However, not many people are living the perfect life they had pictured. We have all come across obstacles in our lives and made choices, good and bad. that have made us who we are. I am not proud of everything I have done in my life, but I am proud of who I am.

Shane

On Thu, Oct 2, 2008 at 10:55 AM, Kim Crocheron wrote:
Thank you for enlightening me. Let me be clear with you. I am grateful for what I have. I am very aware that things could always be worse. I am grateful that I am able to go back to school. I, however, am still sad and still devastated. You do not know how often I do look at the positive, but I GET to vent and be upset about the negative.

Kim

On Oct 2, 2008, at 9:51 AM, S wrote:

I hear the words "dishonest" and I am like does she have a clue how honest I have been with her???

My husband cheated on his family! - - - Again your children will grow up with only the knowledge of there life not being normal if that is what you teach them.

You've spent 6 months in shock and disbelief. - - - Well guess what sweatheart so have I. I had no idea what I was getting into. Nor did Kasey or his family! But everyone is dealing with it without ripping each other apart and name calling and borrowing more drama, until we hear from you. I am not saying this is easy or you should be over it. But you have got to start looking at something positively.

I am now a single-mom, raising two children on my own, I am a full time student, and have never had so much stress and anxiety in my life. - - - PS. on your own would be without childsupport/alimony and a father that does not come to get them as often as he can! Well, you better be glad you don't have a deadbeat dad who doesn't have a job or faught you in court so hard to not pay you anything. You need to talk to a few women that cannot go back to school because they are only getting $250.00 in child support. Believe me you have a great deal and you should be grateful. I would not want to see anyone struggeling to raise children like so many women do but you should at some point just look at your life as to how good it really is instead of how bad it is.

So, please, cut me a little slack . . . as far as I can tell you have had that offered to you. - - - I have had so much crap in my life that when I smell it I walk away gracefully. We have all been cut a lot of slack, I have not expresssed my feelings towards you evertime I thought you were being rude or out of line. I have cut you so much slack it is not funny. Where I draw the line is over the hateful email. I don't have to take that kind of abuse from anyone and I will not. So if you are referring to cutting you some slack, you might not be aware that I have been.

Kim, I came to your house the nightbefore you moved to SLC. I have done EVERYTHING in my power to like you and have a relationship with you. then at some point you turned on me and started saying that I am dishonest. You have these ideas in your head that your going to be HIV + or that now you have to wait for your Hep C test and all these things. You are borrowing problems to worry about instead of just dealing with the ones that are on your plate. When you get an idea in your head, ie: That Kasey had more sexual partners he did not disclose to you. You just find it in your head that you are right. When he says you are not you just call him a lier. He isn't lieing, he has been so honest with you and tried to help you with all of your questions. But you have it in your head and you cannot let it go. You think you are such a secret agent you have gone too far in investigation and to be honest you have no facts to back up your story. The scarey thing is that you believe your own mind, the stories you have made up in your head.

I really hoped that we would have a great relationship, but I understand that we were both doing some wishful thinking. You never know someday we might be able to get beyond were we are now. But I have no desire to be freinds with someone who doesn't trust what I say or like who I am as a person. I think you will agree that you really don't want to have a relationship with me with the things you have said about me in your emails.

Your a great mother and fantastic person! I want you to be able to move beyond all of this and realize what life is now and live your life to the fullest. I truly do care about you and want you to be the happiest and healthiest person you can be.

Shane

On Wed, Oct 1, 2008 at 10:10 PM, Kim Crocheron wrote:
I re-read it last night and again today. And you are right, I probably don't have a clear view of who you are, because of all of the dishonesties involved in this whole situation it is hard to see and know what is real. Shane, our relationship began in a bad way. The only reason you are a part of my life at all is because my husband cheated on his family and pursued a relationship with you. I have, at times, been grateful that you are a part of my life. I have spent 6 months in shock and disbelief. I have been forced into a new life and environment, without warning. I am trying to get back to who I am, and even try and re-discover what that means. I am now a single-mom, raising two children on my own, I am a full time student, and have never had so much stress and anxiety in my life. I have never felt so worthless and horrible about myself, all created by a shitty situation I had no control over. So, please, cut me a little slack . . . as far as I can tell you have had that offered to you.

Again, I had hoped to work things out and be civil, but maybe it is true that our true colors shine when we are in the most difficult of times.

Love,
Kim

On Oct 1, 2008, at 9:49 PM, S wrote:

I had hoped we would be able to patch things up as well. But you need to re-read this letter, you told Kasey you agreed with everything in it. Which means you do not have a very clear veiw of who I am.

Shane,

I guess the whole point in me wanting to talk to you is to share my feelings and concerns, so we don't need to talk about it face to face or voice to voice. You, of course, are free to respond, but I will try not to let that be my expectation.

I think you should know that I am so disappointed and completely let down by you. I feel really betrayed by you. I was led to believe that you truly wanted to have a friendship/family relationship with me, yet you lied continually to my face. How am I supposed to trust you to respect me as the mother of E & D, when you don't even have enough respect to be honest with me. You have been dishonest, and you don't even have the excuse that you were trying to discover and explore your sexuality. You kept expressing the concern that you were going to be labeled as the other man/woman, and that makes sense now. You are. You knew at some point that Kasey had children and a wife, and not only do I feel disrespected, but you disrespected Elle and Diesel. I don't think either of you take responsibility for that, and to me, that is the most disheartening. Neither of you cared about what this would do to me or the children, and it will affect the children at some point. I feel so frustrated that I have to let Elle & Diesel spend time with and be influenced by people who do not hold values that are really important to me and used to be important to Kasey in raising children. How am I supposed to trust you with them? They are going to need people in their lives who are honest, and will be able to teach them integrity and right from wrong through example. It is very important that the Twins do not, at any time, think it is okay to smoke, drink, or be exposed to pornography. All of which I now have to worry about. Can you imagine for a second how it must feel to be required to allow your own children, the most precious and impressionable people in your life, to spend time with people you do not trust, who you have little respect for. With people who have no respect for you. With people who put their own needs before the needs of these children? Can you imagine feeling that you would give your own life to protect these children, but yet you have no control over what influences they will be under, or who they will be spending their time with? Most parents don't have to worry about this until children enter school, and yet I will be worrying about this from now until forever. I really hope you are able to take a minute and really think about how this must feel. How it must feel to have everything taken away from you, and see no accountability and minimal consequences to those who did it. How it must feel that the father of my children chose not to be a part of their lives during their first year, but chose to build a relationship with you. How it would feel to be told by someone you cared for more than yourself that even though he is not interested in your gender, that you were not beautiful enough. That you didn't do what it took to make things in the relationship "exciting." Now think about how you would feel to know that there are people out there judging you on your choices to protect yourself and your children. In case you aren't able to empathize, you should know that it is completely devastating and overwhelming. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. I tell you all of this in hopes of giving you some kind of understanding as to where I am coming from.

I am saddened and embarrassed that I have gone out of my way to pave the way for people to love and accept you, for you to be a part of the family. I have done this and expended more energy than I should have for you and Kasey to be welcome here, and even at Kasey's home. I cannot believe that you allowed me to do this, knowing what you had done, and the things I didn't know. You both played a part in putting my health at risk, which in turn could have been a risk to the children. I feel used. I feel that my kindness and ignorance was completely taken advantage of. I do not believe that either of you are still being up front with me. Quite honestly, as angry as I am with you, and as hurt as I feel by your actions, I worry for you, too. I think in the back of your mind you know that if Kasey is willing to go this far to deceive; to put his sexual desires and the needs of someone he claims to have not known very well before his infant children, that he is not being honest with you either. I still struggle to believe that you and Kasey did not know of each other before December, if you honestly didn't then I believe you have more to worry about than I do.

I can't stress to you enough the distaste I have for the situation you have helped create for me. These amazing babies are a part of me, an extension of me, and it makes me so uncomfortable and worried that you have little regard for me as their mother. I absolutely feel that I deserve the honest truth and some sincere apologies. I don't expect it, but I deserve it. The Twins deserve that, and I deserve that, at the very least.

I am sincerely sorry you are not feeling well, and I do wish you the best in your recovery and with your upcoming surgery.

Sincerely,
Kim

On Wed, Oct 1, 2008 at 9:41 PM, Kim Crocheron wrote:
Will you please expand on who you think I am? I don't think you really know me. I was hoping we could patch things up and move forward. I'm truly sorry to hear you aren't interested. Let me know if you change your mind.

Kim

On Oct 1, 2008, at 9:19 PM, S wrote:

Kim, I don't see you and I having a relationship at this point. Working on it or not will not take away from the way I have seen you and who I feel you are. Not to mention in your last email to me the picture of who you think I am leaves a very bad taste in my mouth.

I will never disrespect you in front of your children nor will I ever speak of how I feel about you at this moment.

I wish you well.

Shane

On Wed, Oct 1, 2008 at 7:47 PM, Kim Crocheron wrote:
I'm glad you are on the up and up. Shane, I would really like to have a good relationship with you. I don't know if it is possible or not, but I would really like to work on it.

Kim

Venting . . .

2008-09-28T22:35:00.000-07:00

Can I just say that some days and weeks are really much harder than others? I can cry for hours some evenings, and then have a dry spell for weeks. The strangest things can throw me for a loop, and a vicious cycle of anger, hurt, betrayal, etc evolves. This last week has been one of those. I was already a bit emotional on Tuesday night, and unfortunately my Dad sort of took the brunt of that one . . . sorry, Dad! We were having a short, "nothing major" talk about the ex, and I just started to cry, no reason really . . . aside from the big reasons. Anyway, I cried it out for a night, which sometimes helps. I did fine on Wednesday and during my Community Health course we had a guest speaker from the Utah AIDS Foundation. He was very interesting and informative. He talked about a lot of things that I am sure I learned somewhere, but had forgotten. One of those things is that in order to get accurate HIV results you need to wait 6 months from exposure. Well, I had all of my testing done a few months ago, and six months would have been mid September. I headed to WalMart after class (does not help any kind of frustration), getting angrier and angrier that I do not just get to "move on" from this whole thing. I have a few people in my life who I feel have this expectation still, and yet I am due for another HIV test, which Kasey assures me will be negative, so it must be true. In 6 months I will need to have a HEP C test, as it takes the antibodies one year to build up for an accurate result. In the meantime I received a text from the ex asking how we are doing. I did the wrong thing and called him back to tell him, knowing I was ticked. This did not go well, as I inquired about his HIV test, he assured me he had his done a couple of months ago and it had been six months for him at that time. Hmmm . . . that time frame doesn't seem to add up to the original time frame, or the fact that I had been constantly reassured that there had been no "risky" behavior that would put me at risk. As you can imagine, this conversation only went down hill. One of the more difficult aspects of my "situation" is that I cannot imagine imagine cheating on a spouse and especially my children, I cannot think of anyone I dislike enough to potentially put their life at risk, and yet some of the people I have cared about most are able to overlook and accept that this is okay. This is the whole vicious cycle. I get angry at Kasey, because I can't imagine being more hurt by someone else in my life, and that leads into being angry at the support he is getting from his family. I know it sounds ridiculous. As family there is unconditional love and whatnot, and I remember hearing from elders that blood is thicker than water. I have never felt that more in my life. Now this is not true for everyone, and of course it is just my perception. I'm sure what it boils down to is that I miss my other family and being a part of things. I always looked forward to experiencing all of the family functions and gatherings with my children and my families, and my husband for that matter. I feel a little left out and that just adds to the resentment, I guess. I also felt that I was almost as tight with his family as with mine, and always felt very much a part of things. To feel that way, and then hear how disappointed his parents and some of his sibs are with my decisions has been devastating. It was also a difficult blow when his parents took care of his legal fees, and he refused to pay mine. Seems so petty, I know, but it is less about the money and more about the feeling of betrayal and disregard. The feeling that there is little accountability in this world. How do you teach accountability and responsibility to children when there are conflicting examples in their lives? That will be interesting, huh? This weeks emotional breakdown led to a small epiphany, though. I realize that I am not missing the Kasey who exists now, I am missing the wonderful Kasey I thought existed. I am missing the companionship of a non-existent idea of the perfect husband and father. The Kasey that I keep hoping I will talk to and be able to share the details of life with truly does not exist, I am missing the memory of him and I keep confusing the two, and confusing expectations between the two. Hopefully my realization will help in the "moving on" process. In my heart I want to be able to say that I want the best for him, but my head is getting in the way right now. It would be much easier if I could wake up tomorrow morning and never think twice about the negativity, the betrayal, the ongoing dishonesty, etc. Someday I will be able to fully forgive and truly "move on." Whatever that means . . .

How is that for venting? I actually feel a bit better! It is a bit liberating to let things out, not knowing who, if anyone is actually reading this. Thanks for listening. :)

Realization

2008-09-03T21:53:00.001-07:00

How beautiful was the weather today? As I left my class tonight and walked past the Huntsman Center I had one of those lightbulb over the head moments. I thought briefly about having a gay husband, being deceived by the most important person in my life, losing him and his friendship, raising 16 month old twins, moving back to Utah, trying to forgive, letting go . . . blah, blah, blah. The important part of this thought is that I realized that I still exist. Although I feel that I live in the twilight zone a lot, I actually have some substance. I can still get dressed every morning. I can take care of my amazing children. I can go to school. I can enjoy my family and friends. I just might be strong. I just might not need the relationship I miss dearly to not only survive, but to thrive. In fact I might be a better person, a better mom, a better sister, a better aunt, a better daughter, and a better friend for climbing out of this giant pile of bullshit. You never know, right?

The beginning of a new blog . . .

2008-09-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I thought I would use this blog as an online journal of sorts. You won't get everything, but I will be sharing my thoughts and my story, probably even some feelings along the way. I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings also. Maybe some of us share circumstances or feelings we never knew others were experiencing with us. Welcome, welcome!